Tequila, Serums, and Canned Coffee: We Graded Every Celebrity Side Hustle Like a Group Project
Photo: Allen & Ginter, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons
Somewhere along the way, releasing music became the side hustle. Your favorite artist drops a 14-track album every three years, but the canned cocktails? Those ship quarterly. The skincare line? Restocked monthly. The mystery rebrand with the cryptic countdown clock? That's a full-time job with benefits.
So we did what no one asked for: we graded them. Originality out of 25. Actual effort out of 25. Whether the star demonstrably uses the product out of 25. And the all-important vibes category out of 25. Grab a red pen. Let's ruin some parasocial relationships.
Tier One: The Overachievers Who Made You Forget They Sing
The Alcohol Empire — 94/100. Every famous man over 40 has a tequila now. It's practically a midlife requirement, like a sports car or a podcast. And look, we get it: the margins are absurd, the marketing writes itself, and "sipped by a guy who once played a cowboy on TV" is apparently a business model. Points deducted because at this point the innovation ceiling is the bottle shape. One star's agave venture got extra credit for actually naming a specific field in Jalisco on the label, which is more research than most of us did on our own college applications.
The Beauty Conglomerate — 91/100. The rare case where the celebrity isn't the product — the product is the product. When a makeup line gets a restock calendar and a Reddit community that reviews it like a Supreme drop, you've moved past vanity project into actual company. Docked points only because the shade names are starting to read like a scented candle store had a panic attack.
Tier Two: Solid B- Energy
The Athleisure Play — 78/100. Leggings with a famous person's initials on the waistband. Comfortable! Fine! But we've seen this movie, and it ends with a 60%-off email in month fourteen.
The Canned Coffee Saga — 74/100. Look, we admire the ambition. You already tour with a coffee rider longer than your setlist — why not bottle it? But there is something uniquely funny about a celebrity launching a canned latte in the same year four different gas stations did the same thing. Effort: real. Originality: the vending machine at your dentist's office says hi.
The Mystery Rebrand — 70/100. Deleting every Instagram post, going gray on the grid, posting a single blurred image captioned only with a clock emoji. As a marketing tactic? Genuinely effective. As a personality trait? Your group chat has already guessed the album name, the feature list, and the vinyl variant count. You cannot surprise us anymore. We've been spoiled by leaks like a movie theater floor.
Tier Three: Absolutely Not
The Random NFT-Adjacent Thing — 31/100. We don't need to name names. If you know, you know, and if you bought in, our condolences to your digital wallet. The vibes category alone nearly drove this score negative.
The Ghostwritten Memoir of a 28-Year-Old — 44/100. Not a business, technically, but it occupies the same shelf at the airport Barnes & Noble, so it counts. Deducted heavily because the star clearly read the audiobook without reading the book.
The Restaurant With One Location — 52/100. There is always one. It's in either Nashville or the Flatiron District. The menu has a signature burger named after a lyric. You've been twice. You'll never go a third time, and honestly, neither will the star.
The Survivability Index: Who Eats If the Music Stops?
Here's the question our editor made us answer and we're still mad about: if streaming collapsed tomorrow and every pop star had to live off their business portfolio alone, who's buying a lake house by 2027 and who's back on a reality dating show?
Most likely to survive: The beauty mogul. She built infrastructure, distribution, and a product that outlives any album cycle. That's not a side hustle — that's an exit strategy.
Most likely to struggle: Anyone whose entire business is their face. Faces age out of algorithms. Ask literally anyone who's been on a billboard since 2011.
The dark horse: The tequila guys, honestly. Terrible originality scores, incredible margins. If the music dies, they'll be fine. Annoying, but fine.
The lesson, as always: the music pays for the party, but the merch table pays the rent. Check your favorite star's business portfolio the way you'd check their dating history — thoroughly, judgmentally, and with your friends present.
Got a celebrity side hustle we missed? Put it in the comments and we'll grade it in the follow-up, ruthlessly.
